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Coldseed: Completion makes the tragedy

15/10/06 || Lord K Philipson

I like some of Björn Strid’s past and present bands. His main thing Soilwork went from uninteresting crap to some pretty damn awesome shit with their latest effort, “Stabbing the drama”. Disarmonia Mundi (not “his” band but he’s doing the vocals so I count it as “his” becoz I want to) is quite killer as well. I’ve also met him a few times and he’s got a nice rockstar attitude, so that’s another plus in his repertoire. On top of that, he’s a great vocalist in case I didn’t mention that. The guy’s obviously got some good shit going on in his life already, so what’s next? Well…

Enter: The massive shit-carneval known as Coldseed.
Exit: A fuckload of respect and credibility.

I don’t even know where to begin with the very well deserved insults when it comes to this joke of a band. What these guys are doing is uninspired F-league semi-”metal” with idiotic arrangements that they spice up with cheap electronic nonsense all over the place, in an attempt to make the music appear more “interesting”, “professional”, “thoughtout” and “innovative” than it is. They fail miserably at each and every point. As if that wasn’t enough, add a weak production, shit songwriting and uninteresting vocals from Björn. Are you even starting to understand how much cock’n’balls this sucks? Then imagine it being even worse than what you have cooked up in yer head. Now you are close to the pool party of SUCK that Björn and the other losers disguise as an album.

But hey, let’s not forget that this band is not all about Björn (I’m sure he didn’t write any music, becoz I imagine he’s smarter than that), so we shouldn’t blame him alone for the semen displayed here. The other idiots that we must tie up in the middle of Berlin and set on fire are: drummer Thomen Stauch (ex-Blind Guardian, ex-Iron Savior, Savage Circus), bassist Oliver Holzwarth (ex-Demons & Wizards, Blind Guardian), keyboardist Mi Schüren (Blind Guardian), plus guitarists Thorsten Praest and Gonzalo Alfageme López. Everyone involved deserve a weekend of insane torture and excruciating pain for recording and releasing this album.

I should have seen this coming though… When members from gigantic suck-fests such as Blind Guardian and Savage Circus (and all the other bands mentioned above, except for Soilwork) are involved, that alone is a statement that this is going to suck enormous, enormous cock.

And it does. Oh man, how it does…

When I think about it, I shouldn’t give these guys any space at Global Domination, but it’s my duty to warn all of our loyal followers about bands like Coldseed. I suspect (and sure as fuck hope) Björn got a good amount of cash (not to mention amounts of coke that would make Tony Fucken Montana blush) to do the vocals for this crap, that would at least make it somewhat understandable as for why he would wanna put shit-stains all over his name with a release like “Completion makes the tragedy”.

Coldseed, take note: this album is the fucken tragedy.

Penn & Teller’s got a supurb subject for their latest TV-show with this band and this album. And you all know what that show is called:

BULLSHIT!

2/10. I add 1 point to this score becoz I like Björn. In Soilwork.

Information
Released: 2006
Label: Nuclear Blast
Website: www.coldseed.com
Band
Björn Strid: vocals
Thorsten Praest: guitars
Gonzalo Alfageme López: guitars
Oliver Holzwarth: bass
Thomen Stauch: drums

Tracklist
01. My affliction
02. Democracy lesson
03. Nothing but a loser
04. Five more to fix
05. Burning with a shade
06. Low
07. On my way
08. Reflection
09. Completion makes the tragedy
10. Hatchet
11. Vulture of the throne
12. At last

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